


Feeling Good

by MusicLover6661



Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-05-26 08:46:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14997164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicLover6661/pseuds/MusicLover6661
Summary: That no matter what I did I would always be deemed a freak, someone who shouldn’t be let out into society.  The scars were a daily reminder, something to let me know how utterly grotesque I truly was.





	Feeling Good

I wasn't even sure why they had dragged me out to this show with them, I wasn't even bothering to pay much attention. The music was too loud, obnoxious almost. It sounded like noise, and not something at all pleasant to listen to. Steve said it was for the show, it was something that was around even back in our time, but we never saw it. So why the hell were we here now? I was about ready to break my own arm just to get out of it, but I couldn't be that much of a dick, even if I wanted to. So I sucked it up and begrudgingly sat at the table with everyone else. It was a burlesque show, the women wouldn't get farther down than a certain point. Some were singing themselves, it was nice for a little while.

 

Until she came onto the stage, her hips swaying to the song, my heart leaped into my throat as I watched her. Her hands caressed her body slowly, eyes casting over the crowd that watched her, as if she were trying to seduce us all slowly, and goddamnit it was working. The song reminded me of something I had heard in the 40's, it was so sensual. And with the way her body moved across the stage, her outfit catching the light just right. God, I wanted to talk to her, to tear those clothes off and hear her sing my name.

 

Her lips were painted a blood red, hair falling in loose curls down her back, the tight corset barely stretched with each breath she took. Her heels were all but silent, even with the music I could hear her whispering softly with the song, as if she was using it to keep her focused. She stripped off the corset slowly, dropping it without a second glance. Head flipping back as she pressed her hands down her thighs, curving her ass out so deliciously. She clicked her heels once as the song ended, stepping off the stage quickly.

 

“Wow, I think that's been the best performance all night” Natasha was smirking next to me, eyeing Steve at my dumbfounded look.

“You okay there Buck? You look like you've seen a ghost” I couldn't form any words, my eyes still glued to the stage where she had just been.

“I think he's shell shocked, how long's it been since he actually saw a naked woman Rogers?” Tony snickered, sipping from his glass of whiskey.

 

I excused myself and left the building, my heart beating harshly against my ribs. I couldn't get the image of her out of my head, she was gorgeous. An absolute angel sent from heaven, but she had that devil inside her, and god she was working it so well. My right hand was sweating, palm clammy as I ran the fingers through my hair.

 

“Never thought I'd see the day you got flustered over a dame” Steve's voice broke my trance, hand clapping gently over my shoulder.

“Neither did I, but the way she moved” My throat tightened again, shaking as I tried to take in a deep breath.

“Why don't we go back inside at least, less people to gawk at us” Steve turned back towards the entrance, his eyes still on me.

 

I nodded and followed him inside, the group were talking amongst themselves about something not important. Steve ignored any questions that were directed at me, assuring everyone I had just got overwhelmed by all the people and not the performance. It was easier to believe the lie, that I was still nervous around actual people, and not some woman.

 

“She was the last performance I think, so let's head back” Nat stood up, pulling up Sam as she did.

 

Steve waited until I was standing to leave the building once again. The air was colder, chilling me down to my bones, almost. Tony was making jokes with Sam about Steve and I. About how we weren't used to the way women were today. As if we hadn't seen our fair share of promiscuous women in the past. They just weren't so, _captivating_. No one from the 40's, or the present, could hold a candle to the woman tonight. And I didn't even know her goddamn name.

 

“Don't let him get to you Buck, he does it when he's drunk” Steve stepped inside the compound, shedding his jacket with a sigh.

“He didn't get to me, I just can't stop thinking about her Steve” My cheeks flushed, this was going to be such a bad idea telling him all this.

“Really? Did she have that much affect on you?” Steve was shocked, his jaw dropped open as he stared at me.

“Yes she did, I don't know what's wrong with me Steve!” I whisper yelled towards him, Tony and Natasha were still too close for my liking.

 

Steve nodded, he knew I wasn't going to be able to talk about this with everyone around, not if they were going to tease me relentlessly. That was one of the last things I wanted right now, especially not when I was still so flustered. Everyone went to their rooms, leaving Steve and I standing alone in the common room, his eyes were back on me.

 

“I know who she is” My head snapped over to Steve, was I hearing him right?

“How the hell do you know her?” I was struggling to grasp everything.

“Nat took me to that place a while ago, and I was sort of starstruck by her performance originally, and she said she knew who I was” My face heated up, she wouldn't want to be near someone like me. I wasn't like Steve, I wasn't _normal_.

 

As if to remind me, the plates shifted as I rubbed my face, sweat dripping slowly down the back of my neck. My chest felt tight, I wasn't going to go back to that place, I was going to stay as far away as I could possibly handle. No matter what.

 

It was almost a month before they brought up going back to see more performances, I couldn't go though. My brain was screaming at me, telling me everything that was wrong with me, how it'd be idiotic of me to go back. It didn't matter if she knew Steve, if they were friends. I wasn't like him, and she would notice it right away.

 

Nat had asked me to join them during dinner, saying I could enjoy the sights while I was there. I politely declined, finishing my dinner quietly. Sam asked next, saying that I could ignore everything else just to get out of the compound for a little while. Another no. Which led to Steve asking, or begging would sound more appropriate.

 

I had been too quiet, too closed off around the compound and it was scaring Steve. I couldn't tell him it was demons inside my head telling myself I wasn't good enough. That no matter what I did I would always be deemed a freak, someone who shouldn't be let out into society. The scars were a daily reminder, something to let me know how utterly grotesque I truly was.

 

“C'mon Buck, it'll be fun” Steve's smile was friendly, comforting in a way.

“No, you guys go on without me” I tried to return the gesture, but Steve was too smart for his own good, he could see right through me.

“Call me if you need anything, okay?” Steve kept his gaze on me, unrelenting until I nodded.

 

They were gone without another word, the compound falling silent as I walked around. I could work out, get rid of some of the energy I had pent up from all those weeks of doing absolutely nothing. Or I could make something to eat and read a book, one of the ones Steve told me to read. Cup of tea, a good book. Didn't sound too bad of a combo, especially if it helped knock me out for the night. I'd be able to get a little more sleep before I woke up from the nightmares.

 

The book was perched on my lap, cup of tea steaming on the table as I tried to absorb the words across the pages. It was a little too hard to get into, the words were jumbling together as I yawned deeply, the book hitting my chest as I knocked out.

 

_People surrounded me, screaming at me, reaching towards where I stood in the middle. So many questions, pleading with me to answer them. Guns were raised at me, their words slurring from German to Russian. I screamed at them to stop, to let me get away from my personal hell. They only grew closer, their voices raising as knives pierced my skin. The pain was overwhelming. My throat was raw from my screams, tearing harshly at my vocal chords._

 

“ _Bucky, wake up” That voice sounded so familiar, like family._

“ _Don't hurt me anymore” The tears were sliding down my cheeks as I reached blindly for the person, gripping onto their forearms._

 

“Bucky!” A hand came down across my face, pulling me out of the dream.

 

My heart was slamming against my ribs, sweat covering every inch of my body. The book laid next to the cup of now spilled tea on the floor. Steve was standing over me, my hands still gripping his arms. I could see the bruise forming from where the metal had nearly broken the skin. Everyone else were standing in the doorway, each expression different from the other. That woman Steve told me about was one of them. Oh no. She saw everything.

 

“I'm going to bed” I stood up from the couch and pushed passed everyone, not sparing a second glance to anyone.

 

Steve called my name, trying to catch up before I was safely in my room, the door shut tight and locked. No one had witnessed it before, and now everyone had seen me having a nightmare, locked into a sense of fear that I couldn't escape. And her, she was going to think I was a lunatic now! There was no doubt in my mind she saw _everything_.

 

Steve was still on the other side of the door, begging me to let him come inside so we could talk. There was nothing to talk about though, I had made an idiot of myself that I couldn't take back, no matter how hard I tried. Deciding that he wasn't going to give up any time soon I unlocked the door, plopping down onto the end of my bed. Steve stepped inside slowly, shutting the door behind himself as he did. He shivered lightly as he rubbed his arms, raising a brow at how cold it was.

 

“It's the only way I can sleep” I looked up at him slowly, his brow was furrowed before a frown took over his features.

“Buck, why didn't you tell me you were having nightmares again?” Steve stepped closer, sitting down in my desk chair.

 

I could only shrug, there wasn't really a good reason I could give him as to why I was shutting myself off from everyone. Not if I wanted him to keep his sanity. He had seen the things that were wrong with me, seen how just utterly messed up I was. But there wasn't anything anyone could truly do. A knock at the door pulled both Steve and I's attention, the door pushed open to reveal that woman. Why?!

 

“Sam, Nat, and I are heading down to the bar when you guys are done talking” She was looking at Steve before her eyes landed on me, and by god I was transfixed with a single look.

“I'll be down soon, make sure Tony doesn't try and hurt himself this time” She blushed and giggled, the sound was pure music to my ears.

“I make no promises, goodnight James” My cheeks were aflame with a deep blush. The door shutting softly behind her.

 

Steve was talking, I could see his lips moving but I heard none of what he said. Nothing except for the sound of her voice as she said my name. My first name. My hands were trembling as I tried to slow my heart down enough to focus, to remember where I was. Steve's fingers were now snapping in front of my face, his hand slapping my cheek gently.

 

“Buck, are you alright man?” I shook my head, rubbing a hand over the stubble that covered my cheeks.

“She called me James” My voice was breathy, had I not remembered to breathe at all? It sure as hell felt like it.

“Who? Oh, Y/N. Yeah, that's what I told her your name was. Thought it'd be better to use your first name for now” I looked over at Steve, what else had he told this girl about me?

“Steve” My tone was authoritative, one I hadn't used since my days back in the army. Steve swallowed, his eyes wide.

 

He spilled every detail he had ever spoken about me to Y/N, how we were very close friends, war buddies at one point. Leaving out how I had been captured by Hydra, said it wasn't his place to tell someone that. And how we met up after almost 70 years, he didn't lie that it wasn't a positive reunion though. Just merely stated that we had fought, a lot. She had been enamored with learning more about us, but Steve wouldn't tell her everything. He wanted me to tell her more about myself, about the man I used to be, even tell her about who Steve really used to be.

 

I couldn't do it though, not if I lost track of all motor skills the moment she walked into a room. I'd look like an absolute moron in front of her. Tony would find every joke imaginable to use against me, until she would make the jokes alongside him. I couldn't handle something like that, the thought of it turned my stomach horribly.

 

“Go and enjoy yourself Rogers, I'm gonna take a shower and try to go back to bed” Steve frowned, opening his mouth to object before silently leaving the room.

 

The shower had felt amazing, washing away the sweat that had collected from my first nightmare. My thoughts kept going back to Y/N, and how she looked tonight. She was only two floors down, most likely enjoying herself with everyone. Probably making a joke about Tony being a pompous ass, or how Sam tried to flirt with everyone. Steve getting flustered too easily. I couldn't help but smile, shutting off the shower with a small sigh. Maybe I could make myself a new cup of tea and actually drink this one.

 

“Friday, can you prep the kettle please?” I rubbed my face, my eyes growing heavier as I padded down to the kitchen.

“Of course Seargent Barnes” The voice echoed softly through the hall.

 

It felt as if my brain were playing tricks on me as I stepped into the kitchen, there stood Y/N, her hips swaying gently. That same song was playing, oh my god she was doing her routine from the show, and I was seeing it closer than I thought possible. My throat was tight, she wasn't wearing the dress from earlier. No she was wearing an oversized shirt and nothing else. I could faintly see the lines of her panties through the shirt.

 

The kettle began to whistle, letting me know the water was hot enough for the tea I was planning on making. My legs wouldn't move though as I watched her, she giggled and threw a sultry look over her shoulder.

 

“I was wondering when you were going to leave your room” Her body turned to face mine, my heart skipping a couple beats. _She was wearing my shirt_.

“Had to shower, it's not fun to walk around in a cold shirt” What the hell? That made no fucking sense Barnes.

“Should've told me, I would've come by a little sooner” There was a glint in her eye, one that was pulling me closer to her.

“Where'd everyone else go?” We were only five feet apart, I could smell the perfume she wore on her skin.

“Bed, or that's what they all said at least” She giggled and rolled her eyes, stepping closer until her chest pressed against mine.

 

I wanted to tell her it was a lie, Steve was an insomniac like me. And Tony never slept, the man ran on coffee. But I didn't, I cupped her cheeks gently. Her skin was so soft beneath my hands, well hand. Her lower lip rolling between her teeth as she looked up at me, as if begging for me to do something to her. Deciding it was now or never I closed the gap, pressing my lips flush to hers. Her hands slid around my neck, pulling my body closer to hers.

 

I could feel her everywhere, her hands tracing every line, every crevice on my body. So I returned the favor, only I favored my tongue to trace the lines on her instead.

 

***

 

The sun was shining brightly, warming the room slowly. Not warm enough though as she burrowed deeper into the blankets, her hair splayed out against the pillows. I smiled softly, pulling her closer to my body. She mewled and wrapped her arms around my waist, muttering about how cold the air was in the room.

 

“If the air wasn't cold you'd be sweating half to death right now. So be happy it's freezing” She grumbled lowly, rolling onto her back slowly.

“Still don't like it, I'm surprised I didn't turn into a popsicle in the middle of the night” Y/N giggled, stretching her arms above her head.

“You weren't sleeping much in the middle of the night either” I traced my hand along her side gently, keeping my left arm as far away as I could.

“Very true Mr. Barnes” Her hand stopped the small traces, her eyes locked onto the metal of my arm.

 

This is where everything was going to crash and burn, no one liked knowing that I wasn't an entire person. That part of me was flawed in some way or another. Her fingers wrapped around it slowly, pulling it closer to her eyes. I raised a brow slightly, she wasn't scared of it at all? Not repulsed by the very thought? There wasn't a shadow of a doubt that she knew I killed people, I was the Winter Soldier after all. Everyone knew about me in some way or another.

 

“Your heart is ready to beat out of your chest Buck, what's wrong?” She set my arm down, holding it against the curve of her body.

“How are you so comfortable with my arm? Don't you know the things I've done with it?” I looked at her, searching her face for any sign of discomfort.  
“I do know what you've done with it, and I can remember exactly what you did with it last night too” Her eyes were sparkling, the tip of her tongue tracing along my jugular.

“Are you asking for a repeat of last night? Because you won't be able to walk if I let myself go again” She laughed, her hands resting against my chest.

“Bucky, I don't think I can walk right now, let alone if we can even go again” Y/N slid her hands up, wrapping her arms around my neck gently.

 

I chuckled and kissed her softly, her hands tightened in my hair as we laid together on the bed. No one had come knocking letting us know breakfast was ready. Or that we needed to be quieter next time.

 

“I know this is all out of order, but I would still like to take you on a date” I blushed, if this had been a different time, my mother would've beaten my ass for bedding a girl before taking her on a date.

“I'd really like that, how does tonight sound?” Her hands were twirling strands of my hair gently in her fingers.

“Tonight sounds perfect doll” I pressed my lips against hers once more.

 

Now it was just showing her that I was a gentleman, she could get everything else from me afterwards. Again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> the song she was dancing to was Feeling Good by Michael Buble


End file.
